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Monday, August 29, 2016


I have been 23 for almost three months now, and I have quickly learned that it is one of the most confusing ages. For me, 23 just seems like one of those ages where I feel stuck, no longer able to call myself a "recent grad" but still not comfortable calling myself a "young professional", so where does that put me?

College was a time where I felt like everyone was in the same boat, going to classes, working and enjoying the college experience. It was a time where you didn't really have to worry about anything because being a "broke college student" seemed like a reasonable excuse for avoiding most responsibilities.

First year post grad was an incredibly hard transition, but it made it easier knowing most people were struggling with the same problems that I was. Trying to find employment and learning to live on your own while saving up money to be able to do the things you want to do. There were some times where I felt like I was doing everything wrong but still being able to tell people I had JUST graduated college helped them understand the seemingly normal struggles I kept encountering.

Coming up on my second year post grad, I've started to notice those same worries and insecurities creeping back up. Feeling like I'm not doing enough with my incredibly expensive piece of paper that is my diploma, still relying on my parents to help me survive and trying to balance my first real job with still having the social life of a 23 year old seems harder and harder, while I was expecting things to just get easier.

It has always been hard for me not to compare myself to the people I surround myself with, and that has proven to be a bigger problem for me this year than any year before. I am finally in a job that I love, in a city I love and spending time with people I love and yet there is always an underlying feeling that everyone else around me is doing much better than I am. Deep down I know that isn't true because success isn't something that can be compared like that. Success means something different to every single person, but yet the societal norms are pushing me to believe I am not doing well enough for my age.

Still living at home while all my friends live on their own, being single in a world where people my age are getting married, and working 40+ hours a week but still not able to save enough to support myself are just a few of the things that weigh on me every single day.

As I said, I am happy with where I'm at in life (for the most part), but it's still hard not to compare myself to other people. I've only been 23 for a short amount of time, but it has already proven to produce many road bumps. Your 20's in general are a tough time because of all the transitions you go through, so who knows maybe my whole life will change within the next 3 months, and 23 could become the best year of my life. As for now, I just gotta keep pushing through until something good comes along.

Friday, July 15, 2016


I am always so baffled every time I watch the news now a days. The amount of hate and violence that is in the world is terrifying and not something I particularly want to be reminded of while eating breakfast in the morning or dinner at night.

Growing up in Vermont, I wasn't really exposed to very much violence or hatred. Vermont was never a place that scared me because I believe the people there (for the most part) truly feel that if you treat people with respect then you will earn the same respect in return. Between growing up and moving away, I have (unfortunately) realized the amount of hate and disrespect there is in the world and it still blows my mind every single time I hear news of different shootings or attacks.

I was only around 8 years old when 9/11 happened, so obviously I was not able to fully comprehend what was going on. Since I was living in Vermont and was only in 3rd grade, New York seemed like another world to me. Even as I got older, I never really realized how horrific of a situation it was. Obviously now that I am 23 I have fully comprehended the situation and the fact that terrorism is still very much an issue. I don't know if things started getting really bad lately or if I have just grown up and can now see the pure terror and danger of these attacks, but recently I have been realizing just how horrible people can be.

No one wants to live life in fear, and I truly didn't think I ever would. Call me naïve or ignorant, but I almost felt like all the terror was so far away from me that it would never really affect me. It wasn't until my sophomore year of college that I realized no one was safe.

My sophomore year was the year that the Boston Marathon bombing happened. Being that I lived and went to school so close to Boston, it really hit home for me and changed the way I viewed the world. It was at that point in my life that I started living with pure anxiety that something terrible could happen at any time. The truth of the matter is that it was 100% true, but that was no way to live life. Once I started to let go of the anxiety and accept the fact that if something bad was going to happen there was nothing I could do about it, I started to feel a little bit better.

I am someone who is lucky enough to have travelled quite a bit in my life. I have been to something like 8 different countries and am truly blessed to have seen how beautiful this world can be. In the wake of recent (and not so recent) attacks, I have realized that even though this is such a beautiful world, there is no escaping terror.

Between the terrorist attacks in France, the shootings in Orlando and Dallas and Michigan, and so many other awful situations, I have recently been reminded of how scary the world can be. It seems like there's nowhere you can go these days that you are truly safe. Movie theaters, schools, public transportation, sporting events, celebrations and even bars/night clubs are just a few places that these attacks have occurred at. These are all places we should be able to feel safe and enjoy ourselves at, and the people that are just filled with hate and rage have taken that away from us.

I have been noticing my anxiety getting worse while doing such simple day-to-day activities, like riding the train or walking down the streets, and I can only imagine that is impacted by the awful things that have been going on lately. I see a lot of people writing statuses about how they would never want to raise a child in a world filled with so much hate, and although I am nowhere near raising a child, I have found myself very disappointed in the fact that I agree. No one should be exposed to such awful experiences and so many repeating acts of terror.

I can not find the words to express how truly sad I am about the amount of pain and suffering people are feeling, and although it doesn't seem like much, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected. I hope one day we can teach each other that violence is not the answer, and that there is never a situation where acts of hatred and rage will produce a positive outcome. I don't have a lot of faith left in this world, but I'm hoping that one day my faith in humanity will be restored.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

One of Those Days

Today has been a day.

I'm sure I've touched on this before, but I am not someone who does well with change. I like things the way I like them and it stresses me out to have to adapt to change. Unfortunately, I still have days that remind me change is inevitable.

Today was one of those days.

A few years ago while going through a tough time, I learned a lot about myself (it's funny how some of the hardest times can teach you the most about yourself). I learned that I am someone who always wants to fix people. Putting so much time and energy into other people was just something I was used to. It wasn't until I hit my breaking point when I truly realized that I had to focus on myself in order to find true happiness. From there, I started doing things for myself and I started noticing how much happier and lighter I felt. Not worrying constantly about other people gives you a lot of time to work on yourself, and I did a lot of that and ultimately became a better version of myself.

At around the same time as all that was happening, I also realized that I was constantly wasting my energy worrying about literally anything in the world I could worry about. Not only did that 100% add to my anxiety, but it also made me feel like I was carrying everyone else's worries on top of mine. It was then that I learned that I can't control ANYTHING, and the thought of that freaked me out a little. Instead of letting it stress me out and add to my anxiety, I decided to let it be a lesson to me. Why worry about things you can't control? Giving up control was never easy for me, but once I did, I started to feel a lot more relaxed in every aspect of my life.

Although I learned a lot about myself and started to change my viewpoints on things that made me sad or anxious, there are still days that I am reminded of these struggles.

Today was one of those days.

I might not focus on it as much as before, but I still find great pleasure in making the people around me happy. I luckily learned to balance this with also making myself happy. Even though I don't put as much energy into other people as I used to, I still feel others emotions quite strongly, especially when it comes to my friends and family. This can be hard when the people around me are going through things that also affect me. Some days I find it so hard to see other people's side of things, which then makes me feel stuck and helpless.

Today was one of those days.

Today I was forced to try and focus on my happiness while also remaining optimistic about other people's happiness. I tried to find a way to find the happy within an all around sad feeling day. Sometimes you have those days, and I will be the first to admit that I hate these days. I'm sure no one enjoys them, but for me it brings me back to a place that I never want to be in again.

Luckily for me, I now know how to control my sadness and not let it affect me so much that it scares me. I have finally found the difference between just dealing with my emotions rather than letting them overtake me. Some days I have to dig extra deep to remember this, but once I do, I try to focus on all the great things in my life rather than whatever bad is happening at that moment.

Today was one of those days.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Late Night Thoughts

I've been seeing a lot of things online lately surrounding mental illnesses and the stigmas against them. Being someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, these articles and pieces of information always catch my eye.

One of the biggest issues I struggle with (and I'm sure most people with these kinds of mental illnesses do as well) is feeling like no one understands what I am feeling or going through, especially in the height of my anxiety attacks or on my worst days. So many of these articles highlight how it really feels to go through these things, and most of them being super relatable make me feel like I'm not crazy or going through this alone.

As I'm sitting here (way past my bedtime), watching The Voice in bed, I was suddenly struck with the worst anxiety I have felt in a while. My heart started racing and felt like it was beating out of my chest, I got short of breath and was shaking in my bed. As I did some of the steps I usually follow to ease my anxiety, I felt it going away a little. Right as I felt like it had past, I was overcome with sadness and all the sudden couldn't stop crying.

So many people think that anxiety can only hit when something scary is happening, but when you suffer from these problems, it can come at any time (and that right there is reason enough to feel anxious). It's like a vicious cycle, getting anxious about possibly getting anxiety. I mean are you kidding me? What kind of a sick joke is that? It's like there's no escaping it, and that's one of the scariest things in the world.

I know that people experience anxiety/depression differently, but for me the worst part about an anxiety attack is feeling like you can't ever stop it. It's like you start feeling a little anxious about something and then all the sudden your mind goes one million miles an hour and starts thinking about every single bad thing that you could ever think about. From there, usually the anxiety just gets worse which makes it even harder to calm down and then knowing you can't calm down makes you anxious again. I swear to you, it feels like you will never get over it and feel better.

My depression is something I haven't really dealt with very well up until recently. I've been seeing a lot of things about how depression isn't just about being sad all the time, and that people can be depressed but still go on about their lives like nothing is wrong. This is so accurate for me. I can be in the best mood ever and be having such a great day and yet one little thing will hit me the wrong way and I get in a "slump" if you will, that I feel like I can't get out of. It's like being overly sensitive to certain things that can affect you differently than someone who doesn't suffer from depression. This makes it very difficult to live your life normally. Luckily I have great friends and an incredibly supportive family so this doesn't happen to me often, but when it does, it is so hard to try and explain to someone who doesn't truly understand.

I remember in my worst times, being scared of my own thoughts and feelings, because I didn't know how to handle them. I felt like I was feeling emotions so much stronger than ever before, and became afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

My anxiety/depression was its worst my sophomore year of college. Since then, I have found different ways to suppress these feelings (for the most part at least) and have a toolbox of things I can do if I start to feel them again. Although I have changed and grown and become way less afraid of my own feelings, there are still times (like right now) that I experience them again and remember how scary it can be.

Trying to find a way to live your life normally, while still feeling a bit like an outcast dealing with these problems, can be a very tricky balance. Although my friends and family might not completely understand how I'm feeling or what I'm going through, they are incredibly supportive and make me feel comfortable and not like I'm a freak for having these problems. On top of that, I've decided to start turning to writing to try and help me in these tough times.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Travel Wishlist

As I've said definitely more than once in this blog, ever since I studied abroad, I have had an ongoing desire to travel the world. I am so blessed to have visited the places I have, but still I yearn to see more of the world with every passing day. Since for now I am stuck in Massachusetts working my life away, I decided to compile a little wish list of the places I still want to visit.

First, I made a list of the places I have already been to.



The Netherlands
Travelling has taught me so much about the world around me but most importantly about myself. Had I not gone to Ireland my junior year, I don't think I would have discovered my love for travelling and learned to appreciate how many beautiful places there are in this world. With that being said, here is a list of the places (in no particular order) that I am currently lusting over.


I am so incredibly lucky for all the places I've been able to see already, and I can only hope that one day my travel wish list will grow and I will be able to check every place off my list.

Friday, February 26, 2016

5 Reasons Your College Friends Will be Your Friends for Life

If you know anything about me, it's no surprise to you that my friends are pretty much my life (aside from my family and also my cat). I pretty much don't do ANYTHING without consulting at least 3 of my friends (you know who you are). Unfortunately, things are different post-grad, friendships dissolve and change and sometimes just fizzle out completely. Lately, I have been finding myself appreciating my friends more and more (which I didn't even know was possible). I was terrified that after college everything would change between my friends and me, but I think I have only grown closer to most of them. Although I don't see them every single day like I did in school, I still rely on them and have learned to appreciate everything they do for me more and more with every passing day.

With that being said, I've decided to compile a list of 5 Reasons Your College Friends Will be Your Friends for Life.

1. They've seen you at your absolute worst- and more importantly, helped pick you up. Whether it's after 4 too many tequila shots (guilty) or during a mid-semester breakdown (also guilty), they're always there to see you through whatever life throws at you. Even though sometimes these people can be the cause of your drunken nights or emotional breakdowns, they always know how to pick you up and make everything better.

2. They've watched you grow and change- whether it was for the better or worse. College is a time when everyone grows (sometimes literally-holla @ the freshman 15) and changes. Luckily for me, it was for the better, but for some people college can shape you into a person you never thought you would be. Regardless of the outcome, your college friends will be by your side throughout the whole journey because you guys are in it together.

3. This one will speak to my friends especially, but I'm sure others can relate. They witness (and probably encourage) all your ridiculous mistakes- and still love you anyway. If you didn't wake up almost every Saturday shaking your head and refusing to acknowledge that the night before happened, did you even really college? As my friends can attest, I probably made (and honestly still make) the most mistakes out of anyone, but regardless they still love and accept me (and for some reason let me continue to make them ?????).

4. You have all been in the same vulnerable position- not only right when you start school, but probably multiple times within your four years there. Unlike in high school, everyone is in the same exact position when starting college. It's a level playing field (sports) where everyone is trying to find their way around campus and within their new friend groups. Your college friends won't (or shouldn't) judge you when you get locked out of your room in your towel for the first time, or find yourself awkwardly in the wrong classroom, because they have probably been there too.

5. They have shared (and probably helped create) some of your most treasured memories. If you're as lucky as I am, chances are you've been friends with most of these people since day one. College is where you spend the majority of your time for 4 whole years. This means also spending the majority of your time with the same people. From late night homework sessions to everyone's dreaded late night bathroom sessions over the toilet, you've spent these memorable (or not so memorable, #tequila) times with your college friends. These are memories you guys are most likely going to talk about (whether good or bad) for a long time coming, so make sure you're spending them with great people.

There are so many more reasons why your college friends are literally the best, but these are some of the biggest for me. So thank you friends for making me who I am today and always standing by me no matter what.

Monday, January 4, 2016


I'm not very big on New Year's Resolutions. Personally, I try to strive to become a better person in general with every new year. I have goals in mind, but I like to look at the bigger picture more than just certain goals. With the beginning of the new year, I take a minute (as most people do) to reflect on the past year. Looking back on 2015, I've realized that I have very little to complain about.

A few years ago I remember being so incredibly ecstatic to retire 2013 and begin a new chapter in 2014. Although every year has its ups and downs, 2013 was hands down one of the hardest years of my life. I had endured changes I never thought I would have to go through, heart breaks I never imagined could hurt as badly as they did and a whole bundle of academic hardships I never saw coming. At the end of 2013, I knew that a new year would be the new start I needed, and I was right.

2014 was one of the greatest years of my life. I started my junior year of college and ended up embarking on the trip of a lifetime. Though both 2013 and 2014 were very memorable years for me, it was for very different reasons.

I thought that nothing could ever top 2014. That year literally changed my life and made me a much stronger, mature and confident person. Now looking back on 2015, I've realized that since the downfall that seemed to come with 2013, each passing year is just going to get better and better. Obviously there are going to be downfalls that come with every year, but I've learned to accept that and cherish the better parts of the year and take that with me into the new year.

Being a visual person, I've decided to outline some of my favorite parts of 2015 in pictures.

Shortly after the beginning of 2015, I embarked on a trip through my college to Madrid, Spain. After coming back from Ireland the year before, some may say I was bit by the travel bug. I was lucky enough to continue travelling and enriching my knowledge of other cultures. 

I was able to spend my senior year of college with some of my best friends since the beginning. 

Although incredibly bittersweet, I learned to appreciate my personal transformation with my college graduation approaching. 

I got the chance to truly appreciate the beauty of going to a school on the beach by soaking up the sun with my best friends.

I was able to watch my group of friends grow and change (ily squad).

While still staying close with my A1 Day 1's (ily Brindle 111).

I got to celebrate senior year by going way too hard during senior week with some of the people I was blessed to be brought together with in Ireland.

Although I spent most of the day crying, I was able to celebrate my college graduation with the three people that I (quite literally) wouldn't be here without.

I was reunited with a (very close) but old friend in a beautiful new place.

I turned 22 (and drank too much while celebrating).

I got my second tattoo that is very close to my heart (sry mom).

My best friends and I got to pretend to be in college for one last time (alumni weekend 4 the win).

My family and I moved into a beautiful new house that I am lucky to be in.

And last, but certainly not least, I was able to ring in 2016 with some of my very best friends.

Thank you 2015 for bringing me some of my greatest friends, fondest memories and new blessings. I can't wait to see what 2016 has in store.